What happens when you hold in your farts

What happens when you hold in your farts

Fresh from our recent article exploring all the ways you can crop-dust the missus – or at least rip some material without her knowing what you’re up to – we’ve got some news that you might be able to use to get you out of trouble. Apparently, a new study has revealed exactly what happens to the farts you hold inside like little prisoners…and if you wanna avoid bad breath you’ll need to pay attention: the little buggers make their way out in another way. Yeah, nah, the cheeky poodinis come out in your breath!

F**k me sideways, if that’s not a reason to lift a leg and fumigate the room I don’t know what is! No one wants to be the guy with bad breath. We’ve all had to speak to them at work – and it’s f**ked. And, before you tell me you’d rather deal with stinky breath than with the smell of a freshly furnaced colon cloud, ask yourself why they sell breath-mints and not ass-mints.

The study, conducted by the National Institute of Health, suggests that those farts you don’t rip, blast or squeak out of your cheeks are ‘absorbed into systemic circulation and expelled from the lungs.’ And we all know what that means. Farts coming out your mouth or nose. We can dress it up all you want, but that’s the (probably exaggerated) reality.

So…we now know that smelling other people’s farts is actually good for you, we’ve got a bunch of cool techniques for sharing your pucker chuckle or nether squelch with your significant other, and evidence that keeping them in is only gonna give you fart breath – and you couldn’t possibly kiss her with that!

Of course, it works the other way too. No whinging when she airs her right to administer the methane mating call, split the seam or trumpet the toilet tune. Fair’s fair!

Final thought: Well, there’s not really much to say here, but if your missus has been telling you to hold it in – or at least stop putting the blanket over her head when you do it, you now have reason to say that you wouldn’t want to have fart breath!

Just in case you missed it, here’s one of Ozzy’s latest commentary videos…Ozzy Man Reviews: Takeshi’s Castle