Sheila attacked by kangaroo for wearing Sarah Jessica Parker perfume
We know you’re looking at that headline and thinking ‘crikey, fellas, that seems a touch overblown’ and maybe it is, but if you ask the Aussie sheila who was savagely assaulted by an irate kangaroo how it happened, she’ll tell you the same thing. Yeah, nah, Tracy Noonan was running her usual route through Melbourne’s busy streets when the psychotic little f**ker unleashed the fury, and the only thing she’d done differently was chuck on her SJP perfume. With a control and a variable, we’re calling that s**t science!
Don’t let us waffle on about it, though, let’s head straight across to the innocent victim and see what she’s got to tell us about this no-doubt harrowing ordeal:
“As I was running along the road I saw the kangaroo out of the corner of my eye and I didn’t think much of it. It started to get closer and closer toward me and then it jumped a fence… that’s when I started to panic and thought, ‘What is this kangaroo doing?’ I felt it hit me in the back and it actually knocked me to the ground.”
Yeah, nah, you lot thought that only our crocodiles, snakes, spiders, sharks, scorpions, magpies, drop bears and serial killers were dangerous, but you were wrong. Turns out our kangaroos are c**ts too.
Anyway, bloody Tracy told 3AW that she was f**ken petrified!
“I put my head back down because I thought ‘Oh my goodness, this is now going to claw me to death.’” And, as we mentioned earlier, she reckons that her SJP perfume was the only thing she’d changed up.
“It’s so funny because who puts perfume on to go on a run?” she said. “I left early in the morning and I was fumbling around for deodorant and that’s all I could find. I was not trying to attract any kangaroos, I can assure you that. For it to attack me the way it did, it’s pretty horrifying. I won’t be wearing [that perfume] again!”
A local ranger told her the kangaroo might have been on heat. If that’s the case, we wanna know what Sarah’s chucking in her perfume. Yeah, nah, sex in the city is one thing, but having a horny marsupial trying to jump your bones is an altogether different thing!
Final thought: Yeah, nah, this one’s a bit bloody full-on, but it goes to show that you just can’t trust any Australian critters not to try to kill you. Deadset, even the bloody quokkas’ll be having a go at some poor bugger at this point. Still, we guess that’s better than getting jumped by a kangaroo!
Just in case you missed it, here’s one of Ozzy’s latest commentary videos…Ozzy Man Reviews: Jason Statham Diving
Video Link: 9 News