Is Australia truely the land of ‘Nope’? We take a look at some pictures that ‘prove’ it
Look, we know that we’ve got a bit of a reputation for harbouring some deadly bloody animals here in Australia, and we’d be tugging your truncheon if we tried to pretend that every animal here’s a bloody darling, but anyone who knows us knows that we’re fierce bloody advocates of what we’ve got. So, when it came to our attention that some of our wildlife’s not getting a fair tickle of the titties in some circles, we had to do our bit to raise awareness and explain that in many cases, you bloody tourists are just soft and these animals are harmless…
Rightio, we bloody love Bored Panda, but we’re not sure we can stomach it when they misrepresent some of our bewdiful little buddies. Now, don’t get us wrong, some of these pricks still bite – and a bloody crocodiliac will ruin your fuggen life – but there’s no need to be scared of them.
So, while we hope they don’t take umbrage, we’re gonna critique some claims from the recent ‘Land of Nope’ post. You down? Let’s go:
All right, all right, that does look a bit scary, but it’s just a bloody Lace Monitor. Like, deadset, as long as you don’t try to bloody well grab it, it’s not gonna hurt you. It’s more likely to run off. It’s jaws do work like a kind of saw, and their claws are sharp as hell, but they’re not aggressive or venomous or anything. Leave ’em alone.
Yeah, nah, we’re calling bullshit. That’s a fruit bat. They’re noisy bastards and you don’t want to park your car under a tree where they’re eating, but they’re called a fruit bat because they eat fruit. They occasionally pass the Hendra virus onto horses, but if you don’t ride your horse too hard, you won’t get sick or anything.
Well, we’re not even sure what you’re worried about. That’s just bloody cool. Check out the colours, man!
You don’t really want the electric company to come and read your meter do ya? We call these ones guard-spiders. They’re great. They don’t bark or anything.
Yeah, nah, this is definitely a stitch-up. Those toads are bloody American. We invited the vermin in to fix our cane beetle problem and they’ve truly shafted our local populations. They’re even attacking an innocent Olive Python. Pricks!
Giant earthworm, so what. That’s not cause for concern at all. Sure, it looks a bit like your dad’s schlong, but come on, there’s nothing particularly dangerous about it.
Yeah, well, we told you before that crocodiles are quite literally bloody deadly. However, you can train them to attack bullsharks. And you know what, we’d fair dinkum rather have saltwater crocs than we would bullsharks. Besides, crocs are in pretty out-of-reach places. Just stay out of the canals at the Gold Coast and the sharks won’t get you either.
Again, this python’s just having a bloody snooze on some nice cool porcelain on a no-doubt hot day. Let him sleep and he won’t be grumpy.
Yeah, nah, mate, mate, you really shouldn’t be picking that up. That’s a blue-ringed octopus and those colours mean it’s pissed off. It will bite you and it will dick you in the soul, man. Seriously, don’t ever do this. They can literally kill you.
Final thought: As you can see, our wildlife is bloody awesome. Don’t worry about the pythons, they just keep the rats away. Yeah, nah, we bloody love ‘em. We’d be stimulating your stamen if we told you anything else. Ozzies, bloody rise up in the comments section and let everyone know what your favourite local legend of an animal is.
Just in case you missed it, here’s one of Ozzy’s latest commentary videos…Ozzy Man Reviews: Horse Girl
H/T: BORED PANDA.