Bloke’s 5 star rating of ‘session toy’ that was so good his missus almost killed him

Seeing as we’re all grown-ups here, let’s talk session toys. Gone are the days of having to rely on the standard equipment. These days, there are all sorts of weird and wacky shapes providing all sorts of weird and wacky services. And although, they’re not solely focused on those designed for the ladies, that’s where we’re at today. You’ll understand why when you read Jay’s Amazon review of the Luvkis Oral Stimulation Massager…

Look, we’re not gonna treat you like children here. You know what these things are, and we’re pretty sure your mum does too, so let’s just get to business. Jay, who’s not too keen to go downtown, but still keen to do the right thing, logged onto Amazon and ordered the previously mentioned Luvkis Oral Stimulation Massager.

Credit: Amazon/WhoIsMoira/Twitter

If his review of the thing’s results is anything to go by, it was money well spent, even if the response nearly killed him. He titled his review ‘Buy if you want an exorcism’ and gave it five stars. Have a bloody squiz.

“Okay, so I bought this for my girlfriend because I really don’t like giving her head. It’s nothing against her, I just don’t like doing it… Didn’t have high hopes for this due to the price, and expected it to be pretty weak, but I tried it nonetheless.

It was a little tricky at first trying to find a position that worked for the both of us, but when we found it, it was go time. So I slid in, she turned it onto the first setting and we got going, after about 30 seconds, she pressed the toy down aaanddd…well, I can’t remember the rest.

Credit: Amazon/WhoIsMoira/Twitter

Apparently, she instantly came that hard that her legs kicked out and hit my jaw. I went flying back and landed on the radiator. She thought that she had killed me.

All in all, after a few paracetamol, and a frozen bag of peas on my jaw…it’s a good toy. If you are going to use it with your partner, I suggest that you wear some form of riot gear to protect you from physical damage that may occur.

Yours truly, a damaged boyfriend.”

Credit: Amazon/WhoIsMoira/Twitter

So, yeah, if your other half has a birthday coming up, take it from Jay, the Lukvis Oral Stimulation Massager will get the job done.

Final thought: We bloody love the social nature of Amazon reviews. The site’s renowned for good ones, but this is the kinda thing you never used to get in the days before the net. Sometimes, you don’t want a paid-for-review. Yeah, nah, a real story from a real bloke is the way to go.

Just in case you missed it, here’s one of Ozzy’s latest commentary videos…Ozzy Man Reviews: Australian Bushfires

H/T: UNILAD.