Pornhub’s Data Shows Something Hilarious Happened During The False Missile Alert In Hawaii

Credit: Youtube, discredit: Donald

Pornhub’s Data Shows Something Hilarious Happened During The False Missile Alert In Hawaii

What would you do if you found out that your world was going to end in a couple of hours time? If you answered ‘sh*t myself and run for cover’, you’re probably in the majority.

But what would you do if said Domesday scenario turned out to be a false alarm? The good people of Hawaii recently faced this very situation and the way they responded will make you feel simultaneously proud and ashamed to call yourself a human being.

In case you missed it, at 8:07 am on January 13, a false missile alert was issued over television, radio, and cellphones in Hawaii.

The alert stated that there was an incoming ballistic missile threat to the islands and advised people to seek shelter. The ominous message concluded: “This is not a drill”.

In response, locals did what most people in their situations would have done and rushed for storm drains and shelters but what they did after the threat passed that made headlines around the world: The good people of Hawaii went on a furious wank spree.

The legends over at Pornhub have released data showing that the moment the missile alert went out, traffic to their website dropped by approximately 80 percent, statewide.

Who was that remaining 20 percent? Compulsive masturbators that simply had to get the job done, no matter what, I reckon…

Much like the Masturbating Man of Pompeii, 79AD

Much like the Masturbating Man of Pompeii, 79AD

After a second message went out that informed petrified locals that it was actually a false alarm, there was a massive surge in traffic on the Pornhub website.

The Pornhub analytics team released a chart that shows the sites traffic levels during the whole ordeal.


They also released an accompanying statement:

“Based on real-time, per-minute pageviews, and compared to levels on the previous two Saturdays, our statisticians found a precipitous drop in traffic at 8:07am immediately after the warning was sent out. By 8:23am, traffic was a massive -77% below that of a typical Saturday. As residents were notified around 8:45 that the initial warning was sent in error, traffic began to return to normal and Hawaiians collectively breathed a sigh of relief. Those seeking further relief headed back to Pornhub where page views surged +48% above typical levels at 9:01am.”

So a mere 15 minutes after the imminent-death-alarm turned out to be false, Hawaiians were logging onto Porbhub in massive numbers. It just goes to show where our priorities lie…

This isn’t the only interesting piece data revealed by Pornhub: their analytics team often come out with interesting finds.


Here are a few more examples of stuff they’ve discovered:

The average time on the site has declined from 13.75 minutes in 2007 to 9.75 minutes today. The website puts this down to improvements in optimised searches and load times (I’d add ‘efficient stroking’ in there as a third reason).

The most popular category is ‘lesbian’, followed by MILF, amateur, teen (18+) and mature. Interestingly, ‘lesbian’ was the most popular search term for both males and females.

There are over 10 million videos uploaded onto Pornhub with a total size of nearly 700,000 GB – that’s about 173 years worth of porn!

Midnight is the most popular time for a cheeky visit while Christmas Eve is often their slowest day – with traffic declining by an average of 45 percent.

A few weeks ago, Pornhub shared data showing that yanks stopped cranking just long enough to watch the Great American Eclipse.

Now, that’s something that actually will make you go blind!

Credit: Youtube. Discredit: Donald

Credit: Youtube. Discredit: Donald