Bloke phones Internet provider to complain that he can’t beat his meat

Have you blokes ever heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? If you have, you’ll get the gist of this pretty quickly, but if you haven’t, it’s basically a list of the things that are essential to the human experience. Under broader and more specific headings, it includes things like air, water, food and shelter; friendship, love, intimacy and family; and personal security, employment, etc. These days you can probably add ‘a reliable internet connection’ to that s**t. One man, who hasn’t been receiving that, recently placed a phone-call with his internet service provider and it’s a bewdy…

So, as the story goes, this poor fella has been out to the bars and he’s ploughed his way through a few drinks. With his hopes of bringing home a nice girl to do the genital jangle with dashed, he was forced to rely on Mrs Palmer. Nah, yeah, he still had to dance the five-knuckle-shuffle before he could call it a night.

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Unfortunately, bereft of an imagination, he was dismayed to find out that his internet was down. Having clearly knocked back a few bevvies, he thought the only way to solve this problem was to call the ISP and give them a piece of his mind.

Credit: Fair Use Policy

The rant that follows is pure gold:

“All right, the internet goes out here all the f**ing time. I’ve just got back from the bars and guess what: I didn’t get any pussy at the bars, so you know what that means? It means I’m trying to beat the f**k out of my meat.

But guess who can’t beat the f**k out my meat because I don’t have any goddamn internet. I can’t beat my f**king meat without the f**king internet. I can’t watch any f**king porn and I’m horny as f**k! God Damn it!

Can you not f**king get the internet to goddamn work, please.”

Poor fella. It’s just not his night, is it?

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Final thought: Let’s hope this fella was able to sort himself out sooner rather than later. The world just doesn’t need that kind of anger loose on the streets. As an aside, though, did that voice recording remind anyone of the call on Tool’s Aenima album?

Just in case you missed it, here’s one of Ozzy’s latest commentary videos…Ozzy Man Reviews: Window Battle

H/T: WORLDSTAR HIPHOP.

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