A 518 Million Year-Old Fossil Has Been Discovered, And It’s Weird As F*$k

Crikey, blokes, have a look at this gorgeous little creature: at an estimated 518 million years old, it’s been described as ‘strange beyond measure’. 

Considering it has a helmet head and a long cylindrical body, we should probably be thankful that it doesn’t have two big bulbs at its back-end. Having said that, the spikes do make it look like a Cenobite’s dildo…

These strange little buggers were found in South China’s Yunnan Province and experts reckon they shed light on the diversity of prehistoric creatures and their connections with modern animals. I don’t know about that, but I do reckon the artist at the Nanjing Institute of Geology and Palaeontology knew exactly what the f*** he was doing when he designed that picture. Cheeky git.

Nice colour choices, art guy. Credit: Nanjing Institute of Geology and Palaeontology

Anyway, despite their hilarious appearance, these bewdys are actually tiny. They are, apparently, only about one and a half centimetres long and about three millimetres wide, but their spikes jut out for another six millimetres to either side.

Mr Zhao Fangchen, who’s been studying the fossils reckons that because it needed protection from other creatures. So yep, there was probably some other creature swimming around in the Cambrian sea looking for little phallic creatures to munch on.  A literal cock-gobbler.

Tiny little buggers. Credit: Sheng Jie/Nanjing Institute of Geology and Palaeontology

Dr Martin Smith, another palaeontologist who’s been studying the fossils said, “The creature is like a mythical beast.” The creature seems to have segmented plates across its belly but that its head was protected by a hard shell. Smith added, “We don’t know much about the animal underneath these mineralised plates – whether it had legs or a slug-like foot, [and] whether it had teeth or tentacles.’ If it wasn’t for its diminutive size this thing would look like a bloody monster, that’s for sure.

Like dozens of needles in a haystack. Credit: Martin Smith

The Yunnan Province is well known as an area rich in fossils from the Cambrian period (541 million to 485 million years ago). There are only two of these little dudes known to exist but with their size, it’s a bloody miracle we’ve found them at all.

It’s called an orthrozaclus elongata. Credit: Martin Smith

Lucky we did though. Probably the most important thing about them is that they lend credence to the Cambrian Explosion theory.  Experts reckon sh**loads of animals developed beyond single-celled organisms and set into motion the events that have given us all of the wildlife of our modern world during that particular period in history.

F*****g top stuff.

H/T: Daily Mail.