Scientists Discover Human Items Inside Creatures From The Deepest Crevices Of The Sea
Ah, flaming hell, ya drongoes. This is no good. It turns out that a proper scientific report has discovered that plastic pollution is so u-bloody-biquitous that even creatures from the deepest, darkest depths of the deepest, darkest oceans have been found to contain remnants of plastic in their stomachs.
It’s a sure-as-sh** dilemma, the old plastic. We know it’s bad, but we just can’t stop using it. I look around my room right now and I’ve got water bottles, action figures, computer hardware, pens, whiteboards, and all sorts of shit that’s made from plastic. I’m as much to blame as any of you. F***, I’ve probably got plastic in my stomach too.
But, this study, led by Dr Alan Jamieson of the UK’s Newcastle Uni, went to the six deepest known places in all of our oceans and went fishing for evidence of plastic pollution. “We published a study earlier this year showing high levels of organic pollutants in the very deepest seas and lots of people asked us about the presence of plastics, so we decided to have a look.”
Jamieson and his crew studied 90 crustaceans from the deepest trenches that are seven to ten kilometres deep (kind of like the crabs from ya mum’s hoo-ha). The results were spectacularly shite. In some cases, fragments of synthetic fibres used in the production of Nylon, polyamide, polyethylene, and PVC “could actually be seen in the stomach contents as they were being removed,” said Jamieson.
These trenches included the Mariana, Japan, Izu-Bonin, Peru-Chile, New Hebrides and Kermadec. Those places are deeper than stoned philosophy and every single one of them contained crustaceans with evidence of plastic in their crap-factories. In some cases – the Mariana Trench for example – every crab contained plastic fibres.
Jamieson said, “We felt we had to do this study given the unique access we have to some of the most remote places on earth, and we are using these samples to make a poignant statement about mankind’s legacy.”
It’s really a pretty sh**y situation. A shituation, as Sean Connery would say. I don’t know what we can do about it. It’s certainly not as easy as just getting rid of all the plastic, but we probably need to do something before evolution catches up and starts creating deep-sea monsters with strange plastic-like powers.
It would be nice if it hurried up and taught creatures to properly digest plastic though.