Bloke who reckons he has the world’s longest schlong says he slept with an Oscar winner

Jonah Falcon reckons he’s got the world’s biggest dick. At 13.5 inches, he claims it’s the largest apple-headed monster in the entire world, the most massive maiden masher there is, the hugest hymen hammer in all of humanity; and whether or not it actually is, you have to admit that 13.5 inches is, at the very least, a bald-headed behemoth! But, the question remains, just what is life with a long schlong like?

Well, to hear Falcon tell it, it’s good and bad actually. The good? It has helped him bed a whole plethora of celebrities, porn stars, Oscar nominees and even an Oscar winner, which certainly makes for an interesting collection of flings. Unfortunately, we’ve got no names for you. Falcon’s a proper gent and he’s not gonna kiss and tell. Yeah-nah, he won’t spill the beans after he spills the seed.

No wonder he looks smug. Credit: ITV/This Morning

Falcon told The Sun, “”Yes I’ve slept with celebrities including Oscar nominees and Oscar winners. But I can’t talk about that.” Well, f**k, mate, give us something. What about a hair colour? Something to help us narrow it down? “I can’t even say if it was men or women,” he said. “It’s a very limited list so I don’t want to narrow it down too far. It wasn’t Meryl Streep – I’ll just leave it at that.”

Finally. Some science on the issue. Credit: ITV/This Morning

So, essentially, he’s boasting. At that size though, he can probably be forgiven for that. Which leads us to this next point: the man with the world’s heftiest pleasure pickle says it still feels like a massive compliment when porn stars tell him his man loaf is the biggest they’ve ever seen. And let’s be honest, they know a jizz whistle when they see one.

Bloody hell. Credit: ITV/This Morning

It hasn’t all been sunshine, roses and f**king famous people though. Apparently, Falcon’s long-time dream of becoming a famous actor has been destroyed by his dribbling dart of love, ruined by his ruby-headed love muscle, shattered by his sausage-shafted spunk shooter. The poor b*stard reckons that as soon as directors google him, they find out what he’s famous for and leave him to his own devices.

However will he console himself?

Have some shame, dude! Credit: The Sun

Final thought: Living with a vagina miner that megalithic must be tough. Carrying around a cream cannon like that must be hard bloody work. Packing a pump-action porridge bazooka that stupendous must be a particularly difficult challenge. You really feel sorry for him and his woes don’t you?

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H/T: Ladbible.