Here’s Why Statues Always Have Tiny D*cks

So apparently we now how the definitive truth on why statues have tiny willies. According to the website ‘How to talk about Art History’, it’s because ginormous peens were regarded as signs of “foolishness, lust and ugliness.” So instead of featuring the bratwursts on their statues, they tended to fancy the cocktail sausage.

I always thought they were just a little chilly from posing in the nude in the middle of winter in Europe. That can’t be good for the ol’ twig and berries.

As they put it, “all representations of large penises in ancient Greek art and literature are associated with foolish, lustful men, or the animal-like satyrs.”

They go on to say that “the ideal Greek man was rational, intellectual and authoritative. He may still have had a lot of sex, but this was unrelated to his penis size, and his small penis allowed him to remain coolly logical.”

There you go lads, having a below average size trouser snake just means that you’re logical and intellectual. Presumably in Ancient Greece they thought that the larger-donged gents spent their days too distracted by painting their own dick-picks onto papyrus and fantasizing about boinking the local busty wenches.

There’s an additional knob-related theory about Michelangelo’s David. This renaissance sculpture housed in Florence is well known for its somewhat disappointing ding-a-ling. According to a paper published by two Italian doctors, the statue is representing David at a time when he’s overcome by fear (before his fight with Goliath). So they think the reason his member is small is because it is shriveled by fear! They argue that his face looks frightened and that his whole body is consistent with symptoms of tension. I dunno, he doesn’t look that overcome by fear to me. Overcome by indifference more like.

H/T: How to talk about Art History