Story of Two Women Who Survived Five Months Lost at Sea
In a breath-taking true story to rival Life of Pi, two women have been rescued by the US Navy after spending five months staving off sharks, enduring wild storms, eating long-life rice and throwing dog turds over the side of a boat.
The Pacific Ocean: it’s the largest and deepest ocean on earth. Spanning an area of 161.8 million kilometres squared, its sheer bloody size is almost unfathomable. For centuries seafaring adventurers have traversed its waters and for centuries many of those adventurers have found their way into Davy Jones Locker.
Back in May of this year, Jennifer Appel and Tasha Fuiava of Honolulu thought they’d nip over to Tahiti for some din-dins with their two dogs Zeus and Valentine. Unfortunately, their dream journey turned to sh** when a storm f***ed their engine and threw their satellite phone overboard before the month was even out. Oh sh**.
From there they were left to float aimlessly like Piscine Molitor Patel and hope for the best. Of course, no ocean stranding is complete without a sh**load of sharks. These poor women tell a tale that’s replete with them.
As they floated across the ocean, just motes of dust in the vast emptiness of space, they thought they really had entered Destination F***ed when they drifted into shark territory. Needless to say, the toothy gits got to work haranguing the poor women and their trusty dogs with the vigour of, well, hungry sharks.
Short of strapping a knife onto an oar and bashing the f*** out of the shark’ in a way that would make old man Santiago proud as punch and yelling, “We’re lost at sea, there’s no meat on our bones so f*** off,” there really wasn’t much the two ladies could do.
Appel described the horror. “They came by to slap their tails and tell us we needed to move along. [The sharks] decided to use our vessel to teach their children how to hunt. They attacked at night.”
Now, I don’t know about you, but I reckon sharks can get f***ed. That would have me just about pissing my pants. Fortunately for Appel and Fuiava, the sharks didn’t manage to destroy their vessel.
The women survived thanks to a year’s supply of dry pasta, rice and oatmeal; a water purifier that let them desalinate salt water; and, to be honest, pissweak non-committed sharks. You’ve got to suspect though, despite the availability of tasty, tasty oatmeal, it can’t have been long before they went out like Mawson and accidentally poisoned themselves by eating their dog’s livers.
Thank f*** for the US Navy who prevented that shemozzle and saved them on October 24 then.