China has started punishing jaywalkers by spraying them with cold water for crossing at red lights

To me, jaywalking has always seemed like a victimless crime. There’s probably a good argument it shouldn’t even be a crime considering it’s one of the first lessons most kids receive from their olds. Right after ‘good manners get you far’ and ‘try not to sh** yourself’, ‘look left, look right, look left again and cross when there’s no car in sight,’ is pretty standard stuff.

Nevertheless, jaywalking has just received a big ‘yeah-nah’ from the People’s Republic of Don’t Cross the Road When You’re Not F***ing Supposed To, aka China. They’ve installed a new jaywalking prevention system that cost almost three-hundred thousand Ozzy-dollarydoos to implement.

Look at this unsuspecting criminal. Credit: PressTV

So, how does it work, I hear you say. Well, picture this. You’re wearing your Michael Jackson facemask so no contagious little b*****d can infect you with his loogie and you need to cross the road. I’m not sure why exactly, but I doubt you’re a chicken, so you probably just need to get to the other side.

You look left. You look right. There are no cars in sight. You step forward and f***ing PSSSHT PSSSHT, you’ve been sprayed in the arse and the ankles with water. Cop that ya naughty kitty cat. That’ll f***en learn ya!

Look out, Grandma! Jaywalking scum. Credit: PressTV

Imagine how Chen feels after that. His pants are all wet. He looks like he’s pissed himself. His socks are f***ing drenched, and on top of that, when the traffic finally stops and he gets into the city, he’s been named and shamed.

China has a massive hard-on for facial recognition technology and the bollards that spray the water also film your humiliation. Not for the Chinese version of Practical Jokers, but because f*** you, that’s why. You jaywalk in China and you’re face is going up on a digital billboard to let everyone know what a dodgy b*****d you are.

Seems fair. Credit: HunanTV

In fairness, if people are being skittled by all of the drivers – who I’m certain are competent and not at all deserving of their stereotypical reputation – because of their jaywalking, something needs to be done. I’m not sure that something needs to be a high-tech water pistol that’s probably a bit OTT when a sensibly high fence would do the trick just as well, but you know, swings and roundabouts.