Bloke Stumbles Upon Gigantic Muscular Kangaroo Bathing In Aussie Creek
Life’s hard in the Ozzy outback, really hard. With all the f*****g deadly snakes, cheeky crocodiles, suspicious spiders, man-eating drop bears and crazed serial killers, you’ve gotta look after yourself and make sure you’re in tip-top condition in event of a bloody emergency. If some outback wanker wants to pick a fight you’ve got to be staunch, you’ve got to be buff, you’ve got to be ready to f*****g box on, you’ve got to be ready to say “f*** off, John Jarratt; go and hassle some pommy wanker.”
That’s something kangaroos know well. You’ve met Roger the Arnold f*****g Schwarzenegger of roos before, well, meet this bloke who we’re gonna call Harry Kanegaroo. I don’t know if he has a name. If not, he bloody well does now.
As Steve Irwin would say, “have a look at this beauty.” Harry Kanegaroo has clearly been pumping iron and smashing protein shakes. He’s clearly been setting personal bests and destroying the competition. He’s clearly been hitting the gym harder than a douchebag in festival season.
There’s a problem with working out in the outback though: it’s f*****g hotter than a burning barbecue. Luckily for old Harry Kanegaroo, the waterhole ain’t too far away. I reckon he’s smashed out his reps, he’s chugged the recovery drink and he’s thought to himself, “yeah, nah, a bloody swim sounds tops ya wankers. Just you try and stop me.”
So with Craig the Kookaburra watching from the old gum tree, Harry gingerly enters the cool waters of the Boodjidup Creek. Of course Craig the dickhead Kookaburra laughs when Harry gets to the awkward bit where his balls are just starting to touch the cold water and has to decide if he plunges straight in or continues to take it slow and let his norries adjust to the temperature of their own accord. It’s a trying moment but we’ve all been there.
Harry doesn’t give a shit though. He’s the king, the f*****g boss of his domain and, shrunken testicles or not, he’s chilling like a villain once he’s in.
He hears barking and he thinks, ‘of course, some bloody human and his filthy dog have to show up and ruin the serenity.’ Then he f*****g stands up in the water, shows off his muscles for a few photos, gives the bloody mutt a filthy look and he f*****g flexes. Check him out. If he had a Hulkamania shirt he’d have ripped the b*****d right off. He’d have said, “you see that on the embankment there, dog? That’s a rock. Can you smell what the f*** it’s cooking? It’s f*****g Chinese, prick, and it looks like the meat just arrived.”
In response the dog obviously would have said, “geez, mate, that’s a bit ruff. I’m not hanging out with racists like you. I’m going bark to where I came from. F*** you.”
Harry would say, “nah, f*** you.”
The dog would say, “nah, f*** you.”
They’d both say, “nah, f*** you,” and it would go on until the human got bored of this talking animal sh** and said, “nah, f*** you both. I’m going home. Come on, dog.”
Unfortunately there’s no video of Harry Kanegaroo but here’s a reminder of Roger the buff kangaroo. Who’d win a fight between these two bouncing behemoths? Hit up the comments with your thoughts.
H/T: Daily Mail.